Well, today is a day that may never happen again in the history of this blog: It’s Friday, May 4th. Yep, this is a Friday that celebrates the annual “May the 4th Be With You” Star Wars day.” Let’s look at a handy-dandy chart that chronicles when Friday’s fall on a 4th day of the month to see when this will happen next:
The next time we’ll have a Friday “May the 4th Be With You” day will be in 2029, eleven years from now. Well, by then I’ll be 71-years-old or (preferably) I’ll be dead, but the odds of me still cranking this blog out on a daily basis on that date are very unlikely! So I thought we’d celebrate this special day by having a 4-course frozen food meal for four dollars.
You may wonder how you could have a 4-course frozen meal for just four dollars and I’m going to show you how right now!
Last Tuesday I went to the spot that used to house the Pekin Mall and found a Dollar Tree Store there and in the window was a sign for frozen food. I went inside and sure as shit on a shingle, there was a whole frozen food section with all kinds of frozen food entrees and sandwiches for just a buck apiece! I chose four items for this May the 4th Be With You frozen food feast and the total cost was just four bucks! Such a deal! However my taste buds are hoping the old adage, “you get what you pay for” doesn’t ring true, but time will tell, so let’s keep moving forward and start our four course frozen food feast on this fourth day in May!
The First Course: Fast Bites BBQ Rib Sandwich
The description on the box says that this is a “boneless pork patty with barbecue sauce on a bun." The description is bringing back an awful McMemory for me!
These heating instructions are somewhat annoying. That first sentence seems incomplete and somewhat nonsensical to me. And the last sentence is missing a period, so I’m hoping that the sandwich isn’t pregnant. Well, let’s put it in the microwave and zap it and see what we get.
Oh my. That is one hideous looking sandwich. It makes the McRib look like Kobe Beef! The “pork patty” makes me wonder if the sandwich was indeed pregnant because it looks like an abortion on a bloody bun.
This is really horrible and it tastes like a pig abortion wrapped in a soggy Kotex bun discarded by Princess Leia. Darth Vader told us to “Be careful not to choke on your aspirations,” well I’m not having any problems with my aspirations but this sandwich is just about one bite away from making me vomit, so let’s quickly move on to the next course.
The Second Course: Fast Bites Cheeseburger
Note that this cheeseburger is made with “American Cheese,” that will be important when the third course happens, so store this away in your memory banks. Please and thank you!
Here’s the same annoying heating instructions and I just noticed that out of the blue, the word “high” is capitalized for no reason. Hmm...bad punctuation, a letter in all caps out of the blue...hey...do you think that Donald Trump is writing these instructions? I guess you should applaud him for trying to get beyond Twitter, but doesn’t he have more important things to be worrying about?
Well they sure skimped on the “American Cheese” and the lack of substance and the color of it once again brings back memories of you know who.
FAKE MEAT! SO SAD!
The Third Course: Fast Bites Cheeseburger Sliders
Remember I told you to remember that the cheeseburger we just ate said it was topped with “American Cheese?” Well these miniature cheeseburgers made by the same company are made with something called “cheese product.” What the fuck is “cheese product?” And why does the same company that puts “American Cheese” on one cheeseburger all of a sudden top these with “cheese product?” You know what? I blame Crooked Hillary’s emails for this! And Obama!
Well now this is quite a frightening sight! The “cheese product” is attaching these two frozen burgers together and making them look like conjoined twins. And conjoined twins certainly are high on the old creep-o-meter, just take a look at this and see if you’ll be able to unforget it anytime soon. Sheesh!
There’s the same Trumpian heating instructions but this is the most labor intensive dish so far. You have to take the conjoined burgers out and wrap them in paper towels, then after you microwave them you have to let them stand for 30 seconds. Last I knew conjoined burgers can’t stand so I just set them on the official MBIP tasting plate and counted to 30.
Well the conjoined burgers broke apart in the microwave but there’s a nasty cheese-like scab happening on the edge of one of the burgers. And the melted cheese product looks more like pus than cheese. FAKE PUS!
The Fourth Course: Cinnabon Gooey Bites
Okay, I’m just going to cut to the chase with the fourth course here, because after three courses of pure horribleness and vile food, this fourth course makes up for everything! These gooey bites are very tasty and satisfying and I’d have paid ten times the dollar they cost for them! The Fourth is truly with us on this final and fourth course!