I thought in honor of my Mexican vacation that just about wrecked my left leg, we’d try some Mexican frozen food for this week’s edition of Frozen Food Friday. I found a sampler box of Mexican frozen food at Schnuck’s, so let’s start this week’s chilly South of the Border edition of Frozen Food Friday!
The Catch-Phrase and José Olé
I don’t understand their catch-phrase of, “Taste the Fiesta.” Here’s the Merriam Webster definition of fiesta: “A saint's day celebrated in Spain, Latin America, and the Philippines with processions and dances.” How is that something that you can taste? You can hardly roll up a “saints day celebration” in a tortilla and call it a burrito so what the fuck are they talking about here? ¡Es muy confuso! And that drawing of José Olé? Well he doesn’t really look like a Mexican at all, he looks more like Bruce Springsteen with a phony mustache and a sombrero getting ready to do the Mexican hat dance in the dark. Que mierda?
The Count Of The Appetizers
I don’t understand why the count is 16 mini tacos and taquitos and 11 quesadillas. Why short us on quesadillas? Or just round it out and give us 10 of all three. This is supposed to be an appetizer platter and they have it set up so the platter is stacked unevenly. I’m not happy about this, but let’s just keep moving along. Fuck!
The Frozen Food
The different appetizer entrees are all packed up in separate plastic bags. I thought this was nice until I did the official count...
The Official Count
I was kind of pissed about the division of the appetizers and how the quesadillas only got a half dozen count to the taco and tqquito count of a Spinal Tap-like eleven? Well check out the official count in our box: Top photo: 14 mini tacos. Middle photo: 18 taquitos. Bottom photo: 8 quesadillas. What the fuck is going on here? We got shorted on the mini tacos and extra on the other two! I have a mental picture of crazed Mexicans throwing these things haphazardly in bags in some sort of tequila/refried bean frenzy. If they’re this careless about the packaging you have to wonder about the preparation of the food itself? Well, I guess we’ll have to cook it up to find out, so here we go!
Cooking Instructions And A Double Duh Moment
The cooking instructions specify to place in the microwave oven until hot. Then at the end they caution us that "the product will be hot!" A double duh moment if ever there was one! (Obligatory Paris Hilton moment!) Okay, let’s cook this shit up and see what we have here.
The Tacos and Taquitos
The instructions said to cook eight each of these at a time, so I combined four of each and zapped them in the microwave.
Examining The Tacos and Taquitos and Then Sampling Them
I unfolded the taco and it looked like mini dogshit on a soggy and greasy potato chip that had been sitting in the sun for a few days. The taquito resembled an after picture of venereal disease. They both tasted pretty much like the aforementioned descriptions and I reluctantly moved on to the quesadillas in spite of feeling somewhat sick to my stomach.
Cooking The Quesadillas
Here’s another thing that bugs me about this whole appetizer package. The suggested cooking instructions for the quesadillas if five of them for two minutes in the microwave. The count of these on the box is six, so what do you do with the lone quesadilla? Do you cook that at 30 seconds and hope for the best or do you just throw it in the trash and forget about it? After tasting the tacos and taquitos, I’d suggest the latter.
Examing The Quesadillas and Then Sampling Them
When I took them out of the microwave they looked like a quintet of quesadillas doing their best impression of freshly popped zits with pus oozing out of them. Upon further examination they looked almost exactly like what was drained out of my Mexican spider bitten leg last Wednesday. I reluctantly bit into them and they tasted like a greasy pus-filled leg infection. After swallowing one bite I felt like going back to the surgical team to have my stomach drained.