Christine Felixon requested on facecrack that I try fishsticks for a Lenten frozen dinner for this series. Well, decades ago I gave up religion for Lent and I never went back, so I haven’t practiced the Lenten-no meat thing for quite a while. However I do take requests and believe it or not, I’ve never had a frozen fish stick! So this week we’re not only going to try fish sticks for our Friday frozen food entree, I thought we’d have a side dish as well and prepare an entire frozen Lenten meal for all of you! So it’s off to the frozen food aisle for a fishy Frozen Food Friday adventure!
This week’s Frozen Food Dinner and Frozen Facts
I wanted to get the classic fish sticks that I remember from commercials from my youth, Mrs. Paul’s Fish Sticks, so I went to the Hy-Vee grocery store in Grand Prairie thinking they would have the best selection, since that place is so damn big! Well lo and behold, there were no Mrs. Paul’s Fish Sticks in the frozen food aisle! I was pissed until I came home and went to the Mrs. Paul’s website and saw how they spelled the word, “extra.” I’m not going to repeat it, you can see it by clicking here, but I hate it when people try to get all cute with spelling words like this. Anyhoo, I settled on a bag of Gorton’s Fish Sticks, which I had never heard of before now. They’re not totally unhealthy, five fish sticks are just 190 calories and the sodium level is 290mg. I also got a side dish to make this a genuine Jesus Lenten meal and the side dish is a Garden Vegetable Medley from the Jolly Green Giant. The package says the dish is “lightly sauced,” as opposed to the Green Giant who is totally sauced and that’s why he’s so fucking jolly all of the time! Oh and I also got a jar of Louisiana Cravin’ Cajun Seafood Sauce to dip the fish sticks in, so there!
What’s The Deal With Eating Fish On Friday During Lent?
I’ve been away from religion and particularly the Catholic Church for so long, I can’t really remember why Catholics give up meat on Friday. I looked around online and I found all the explanations kind of confusing. It has something to do with Easter and I think it's also due to the fact that Jesus got nailed up on a cross, died and then had to come back here and forgive all of us for being so mean to him. So in summation: Catholics have to eat fish for a few weeks out of the year because some sadistic guys nailed the Son of God to a cross eons ago. Well, that makes about as much sense as the whole Catholic religion made to me while growing up, so let’s just move along here!
Gorton’s Mother’s A Whore
I’m guessing the guy at the top of the package is Gorton. He looks like the Sean Connery character from the SNL parodies to me.
The fish sticks are not recommended for the microwave while the vegetable medley is. What a perfect yin and yang frozen dinner!
So I plopped the fish sticks in the oven and the vegetable medley in the microwave. And away we go!
The Louisiana Cravin’ Cajun Seafood Sauce
This sauce looks pretty frightening to me! I don’t like the red chunks floating in it. It looks like a blood sample gone horribly wrong with amoebas floating in it. And I think we all know that amoebas are single-celled animals that catch food and move about by extending fingerlike projections of protoplasm. Not very appetizing at all, so let’s just keep moving along here!
The Lenten Fish Stick Meal
Here’s our Lenten Fish Stick meal in all of its glory! I took the fish sticks and made little crosses out of them in honor of this religious holiday that celebrates the Son of God getting nailed up on a cross. There was one left over, so we’ll just call him, “Crunchy Pilate.” I’m crackin’ myself up over here I tell ya!
The Green Giant Vegetable Medley
I tried the potato and the sugar snap pea and neither had any taste at all. The consistency of both were like melted candle wax, so it reminded me of eating a brain-dead candle. Someone needs to cure this side-dish...hey, where’s Jesus when you need him? Oh, it’s Lent, so I guess he’s hanging on the cross...sorry about that Jesus! Hang in there big fella!
The Fish Sticks
I dipped one of the fish sticks into the amoeba blood sauce and took a bite of it. The blood sauce was really acidic and had a slight gasoline taste to it! So I took another bite of the stick unsauced and it was very crunchy with just a slight fish flavor coming through. It wasn’t horrible but it wasn’t something I’d rise from the dead to eat either, to keep the Lenten theme going!
The Frozen Food Rating (Four Is Best, One Is The Worst)
Two Mr. Freezes—To continue the Lenten theme of this dinner, if Jesus had a crunchy vagina that had been doused in gasoline, it would taste like that fish stick. I think it’s safe to say this is the Last Supper involving fish sticks for me. Okay, that nails this post and I have to admit feeling a tad bit cross about the whole thing! Jesus Christ!