Jimmy Dean had a weird career in the entertainment world, he had a big hit in the early ‘60’s with the song, “Big Bad John,” which led to a couple of TV variety shows and guest spots on talk shows, game shows and country music shows. Then in 1969 he started a career selling his own sausage. (Insert your own male whore joke here.) Jimmy Dean died in 2010, but his sausage lives on in the frozen food aisles across America. I don’t know about you, but that last sentence brought some very disturbing mental imagery to my mind! This week I decided to try two of his “meat lovers” frozen breakfast items, so let’s get cooking!
This Week’s Frozen Food Dinner And Frozen Facts
I chose the Meat Lovers Breakfast Bowl and the Meat Lovers English Muffin for this week’s double dose of frozen food. If you have these two items for breakfast, it’s really all the food you need because the combined calories are 940 and the sodium intake for the two is a whopping 2100mg! The average sodium intake is 1500mg, so if you’re looking to boost your sodium level or your odds for a heart attack, you’ve come to the right place!
The Frozen Food
The egg and cheese are unnaturally bright and look like some sort of nuclear breakfast accident gone horribly wrong. The two frozen sausage patties look like frozen hockey pucks from another decade. The breakfast bowl has a film over it so you can’t really see it very well and I’m guessing that’s a good thing.
Microwaving The Muffin
Both of these items are microwave only, so the MBIP microwave oven gets used for the first time on these frozen food adventures! The directions say to wrap the muffin up in a paper towel and then cook it in the microwave, so it’s wrapped and zapped! Once again, just like on the last Frozen Food Friday the directions have a decidedly, “no shit, Sherlock” moment as they remind us that, “the product will be hot,” after it’s cooked in the microwave oven. Quick, somebody cue up Buster Poindexter!
Examining The Meat Lovers Muffin
That egg really disturbs me. Food should not be this bright! I think the chicken that laid that egg had it’s coop right next door to some radioactive experimental site. The muffin that was underneath the sausage patties is completely soaked with grease and reminds me of a reunion between Olivia Newton John and John Travolta. That combined with the fact that the muffin is named after a man who’s biggest hit record was called, “Big Bad John,” leaves us with one fact and that fact is: Once I eat this thing, I’ll probably be running for the john.
The First Bite
When you bite into this a weird combination of food consistencies happens in your mouth and none of them are pleasant. The radioactive egg is runny, the muffin is greasy and soggy and the sausage is slimier than Donald Trump at one of his teenage beauty pageants. The overall taste is like a land slug that has been marinated in a vat of lard overnight. Let’s move on and pray that the breakfast bowl isn’t as bad as this.
The Meat Lovers Breakfast Bowl And An Extreme Close-Up
Well, it doesn’t look like our prayers got answered. The Breakfast Bowl not only looks sickening and grotesque, it’s also a microwaved testament for Atheism! The extreme close-up is especially stomach-turning and makes me think of the hand-dryer, Petri dish experiment that recently went viral.
Two Reluctant Forkfuls Of The Meat Lovers Breakfast Bowl
I reluctantly tried two forkfuls of this frightening breakfast bowl and the egg looks and tastes like radioactive chicken snot. The meat in the bowl is greasy and has a sickening spongey consistency and a strange taste. I’ve never eaten fried squirrel that’s been left out in the sun too long, but I’m afraid that I just have.