For decades, KFC has stood alone on Glen Avenue without any competition on that street. Well, the times they are a-changing and Popeyes Chicken has moved in almost right next door and seems to be daring KFC to a game of...well, chicken. I’ve been waiting for Popeyes to open to do the first ever Fast Food Clucked-Up Showdown! Scroll on down, come on, don’t be chicken!
Note: Since this is a clucked-up showdown, the scoring will be done a little differently than most Fast Food Friday’s. So there!
This logo disturbs me for one reason: It features Colonel Sanders. This guy has freaked me out since I’ve been a little kid. Our family moved to Louisville, Kentucky in 1963 and Colonel Sanders either lived in Louisville or somewhere nearby. Louisville also had one of the first malls in the country and our family used to go there a lot on Sundays. It was always a fun family outing because malls were something new and unseen back in those days and I was just five-years-old. This is a blurry memory from years ago but one Sunday when we were there, Colonel Sanders was there making an appearance for something and he walked by our family and said hello for some reason. I remember hiding behind my dad and being very afraid. My dad asked me what was wrong and I told him I didn’t like that man with the funny beard and white suit. My dad just shook his head and we moved along and continued onwards somewhere. But I’ll never forget seeing that face and goatee in person, it was incarnate evil in person. Later I came to the realization that this man was someone who probably had cruel sex with his army of chickens. He had that sick look of a real mother clucker fucker. I’ve been repulsed by him ever since so let’s just move along before I get sick.
This is kind of a standard logo, but one thing bothers me about it, shouldn’t there be an apostrophe in Popeyes? I mean shouldn’t it be Popeye’s? It should be possessive because it refers to a restaurant belonging to Popeye. And speaking of Popeye, where the fuck is he? We have to look at that chicken fucker, Colonel Sanders but Popeyes just gives us a big yellow “P” in its logo. Are they trying to inject some sort of piss party image in our minds? And the apostrophe thing really fucking bothers me. Sure I’ve fucked up apostrophe use plenty of times (maybe even in this post) but this is their national logo! Both of these logos are sick and cancel each other out. Let’s move along to the next phase of this clucked-up showdown.
Holy screaming shitballs! This just reinforces my evil Colonel Sanders theory five ways from Friday! The first panel invites us to “Join The Colonel’s Club.” Now while I appreciate the proper use of a possessive apostrophe in that invitation I can only imagine the sick chicken acts that are part of the hazing to join this perverted poultry club. And the next one is the evil Colonel inviting us to “Come Chat Chicken With Me.” This is interesting when you consider that Colonel Sanders has been dead since 1980, so how the fuck are we supposed to have a "chicken chat" with him? Is there a Ouija Board on this website?
Are you like me and can you not get beyond that missing apostrophe? Plus it looks like it says, “Wicked Goon Deal,” in the main feature of the website. Well, i’m going to give this portion of the contest to Popeyes (and it pains me to type that without an apostrophe) because there’s no image of Colonel Sanders on it.
This has nothing to do with this whole dueling chicken thing but I just Googled Popeye’s with an apostrophe in the proper place and this is what came up:
How sad when even Google fucks you over. It appears the entire world has gone mad and I just feel like crawling in to bed and hiding under the covers, but this show must go on. So let’s just try and forget this unfortunate twist of fate and move along.
Yikes, there’s just no escape from this evil chicken clucker fucker! His face is twisted up on that bag in a really evil looking portrayal of a man who calls himself “Colonel,” yet he never achieved that rank in the army. You lying motherclucker!
Wow, they just wrap a paper bag around the order and you can see the grease stains forming on it. This is kind of pathetic but we’ll declare Popeyes the winner here because you can’t see the missing apostrophe on it. Oh and I forgot something a little bit ago: Fuck you Google! Okay, I feel much better.
This is the three piece Big Box dinner from KFC. You get three pieces of chicken, two breasts and a chicken wing, a biscuit, an order of cole slaw and an order of mashed potatoes and gravy. I reviewed KFC a little bit ago and iti didn’t get a favorable review. That was with the original recipe chicken so I went with extra crispy this time to see if that’s any better.
The dinner comes with an order of cole slaw, a biscuit and mashed potatoes. The cole slaw and biscuit were no different from the last review, so just go here and read my statements about them. The potatoes however are another story. Let’s take a look at them:
Look at the disturbing brown pustules growing on them! They almost look like a pustule face and that’s just about as scary as Colonel Sanders, so let’s skip the potatoes and move on to the main course!
Okay, there’s hair on my chicken! I don’t know if it’s hair from the chicken itself or the person who deep-fried it but that is stomach-turning and so is the chicken fat underneath the skin. I ordered the extra crispy but didn’t ask for a side of chicken hair and fat, so let’s just see what Popeyes dinner has to offer. And do you know the pain that strikes me every time I have to type that name in sans an apostrophe? Well, it’s excruciating to say the least!
This is the three piece combination dinner from Popeyes (oof!) It comes with a biscuit and a choice of a side, so I got the mashed potatoes to be consistent with the KFC order. You have your choice of mild or spicy chicken and I got the spicy chicken.
The biscuit was really good. It was flaky and buttery and so far along with the cole slaw from KFC it’s been one of the few highlights of this clucked up showdown! The mashed potatoes are topped with a “Cajun gravy” which just tastes and looks like dirty saltwater. One spoonful was one too many, so let’s move on to the chicken.
I ordered the spicy style chicken and it had a little bit of kick but not much. It just kind of tasted like they put more salt on it. It was fairly greasy which I knew it would be from the grease stains on their sad and pathetic attempt at packaging it. They do get points for being 100% free of chicken hair though!
Winner Winner Chicken Dinner!
You know what? Forget these two chain gang fast food places and get your fried chicken fix at Agatucci’s! They have some of the best homemade fried chicken in Peoria, check out this post here.