This blog wasn’t even a month old the first time I went and counted the gumball machines at The Northwoods Mall. That was back on January 9th, 2013. The reason I did it was because I had just moved back to Peoria and I hadn’t been to The Northwoods Mall for over 19 years. When I lived in New York I only came back to Peoria a couple times a year and I never went to The Northwoods Mall because...well, because it’s The Northwoods Mall! But I went in 2013 to take a look around and I was amazed at the number of gumball machines there, so I did a blog on counting them and it’s become a yearly tradition. Another tradition that started last year is that my friend and frequent MBIP commenter and Haiku writer, Chad Wallace joins us on this gumball counting expedition. Hey there’s a knock at the door, I bet that’s Chad now!
Oh shit, you’re not going on this trip Scott, you must’ve gotten mixed up and you look like perhaps you should come back at a more fitting time, like, say...4:20 PM? Okay, let’s try this again!
There he is, our special guest star and gumball counter, Chad Wallace starting the day out with a two finger salute!
Alright, as always, no expense has been spared for this adventure. I’ve supplied Chad with two plastic bags, one filled with quarters the other for the gumballs. And I even got an Official Motherfucking MBIP Gumball Count Sheet designed! Chad brought a hat in honor of Scott’s ever-changing hat wear on the MBIP road trip blogs!
And here we are at The Northwoods Mall and there’s Chad running in the front door. I thought he was eager to get to work, but he just wanted to ogle the headless, scantily clad mannequins. I really need to tell him about this thing I discovered years ago called, “internet porn!” Anyway, I pried Chad away and pointed him towards the first gumball bank!
And there’s Chad going starting off this parade of gumballs! And of course I have to make this annual joke: Bananarama? I wondered what happened to them! That joke never gets old...okay, it’s about as old as some of the gumballs in these machines, so let’s keep moving along here!
We got a Mega-Fruit giganzo gumball at this stop. I swear I think you’d break your jaw trying to put that thing in your mouth! And there’s not just gumballs in here, there’s candy. Check out the mutant M&M that came out! I think it’s pregnant with a Skittles, if we run into a candy abortion clinic, we’ll fix that right up!
Suddenly...a man dressed up as the Statue of LIberty. Sometimes I’ve learned it’s best not to even ask, just take the picture and quickly run away!
As we traveled down the first floor we ran into the loneliest gumball machine. Chad actually shed a tear here, I don’t know if he felt bad for this lonely and isolated gumball machine or if he was just sad I was making him do all of the work!
Okay this is the last of the gumball machines on the first floor! We put the mutant M&M in the Cry Baby Guts machine because that actually does sound like a candy abortion clinic! I have to note here that Spree has always sounded more like an air-freshener to me than a candy. And we must also note, as we do every year that the gumball machines are Northern Beaver products. I can never figure out why they named them Northern Beaver...maybe I should go ask those ad wizards over at Simantel...naahh!
Okay, there’s the official count for the first floor, 46 gumball machines! The excitement is reaching a fever pitch, so we decided to take a much-needed beer break. Yes, that’s right, for the first time in the history of counting gumball machines here at Northwoods Mall, you can now get a beer in here!
This giant arcade called Round 1 recently opened up in here and while I’m not an arcade kind of a guy—they’re too loud, bright and just generally annoying in my opinion, but, there is...
A bar in here and check out all the bottled beer selections! Pretty impressive!
Hey look, we ran into my friends and frequent MBIP guest stars, Amber and Joe! It was great to see them, but we had to get back to work!
Up the stairs we go to the next bank of gumball machines. While Chad was working the machines I found the most terrified gumball in the world! And when you think about it, their fate is getting churned out of a Northern Beaver and then plopped into someone’s mouth where they get the shit chewed out of them and then spit out somewhere. A gumball’s life is not easy! Maybe someone should start a #gumballtoo movement.
Okay, we’ve hit the last two lines of gumball machines up here and none too soon. Chad is more than a little bitter and angry at this point since he had to do all the work!
And now it’s time to tally up the gumball machines for this year’s count! Last year we hit triple digits for the first time, could we surpass that number? Well hang on to your socks if you’re wearing any, because we’re about to find out!
Ringo, you know what to do here!
Holy shitballs, 106! Last year’s count was 105, we’ve set a new gumball machine record here at The Northwoods Mall! And of course this can mean only one thing...
Time to walk around the mall until some jackass asks the question...”Got any gum?” Thanks to Chad Wallace for driving, hanging out and of course for doing all of the work! We’ll see you all tomorrow!
Related Posts: The Sixth Annual Counting Of The Gumballs @ Northwoods Mall, The Fourth Annual Counting Of The Gumball Machines At The Northwoods Mall, The Third Annual Counting Of The Gumball Machines at Northwoods Mall! and 68 Gumball Machines At Northwoods Mall