Back in October I did something I never do here on MBIP, I went to a chain restaurant and tried their chicken sandwich. It wasn’t a great experience, but as I said back then, since I am doing a whole year’s worth of sandwiches, I thought every once in a while I’d try a chain place out to see how they stack up with the local fare that we’ve been covering on this year long trek of sandwich eating. And so this week, at the halfway mark, we’re going to try our second sandwich from a member of the chain gang!
The internet can be a cruel place and no one knows this better than Arby’s restaurant. A simple Google search will show you countless memes that liken the Arby’s sandwich to a...well...a place on a woman’s body that our future president likes to grab. And it doesn't paint a flattering portrait of their sandwich. If you don’t believe me, you can click here, here, here, here and here. And there’s more, but I think that’s enough to make my point.
As if that wasn’t bad enough, there’s also memes and photos that suggest an Arby’s experience might be even worse going out than coming in. You can see some examples of this by clicking here, here, here and here.
I haven’t eaten at an Arby’s since the late ‘70’s and I was so high back then, everything tasted like a slice of heaven falling from the twinkling skies. All the Arby’s internet fuss has made me curious and so I’m thinking tonight...well, you know. Let’s go!
Here we are at the Arby’s off of War Memorial Drive. Let’s go in and start our 26th week of sandwich eating!
I almost always ask permission to take photos, but I’m not going to in here. At chains they always get all nervous and weird about it, so I’m just not going to take any photos of people in here. There’s the front counter where you order and the gentleman that took my order was very nice and said it would be ready in a minute.
So I wandered around for a little bit and I’ve never liked the Arby’s slogan: “Arby’s Roast Beef Sandwich Is Delicious.” If it’s so delicious, you really shouldn’t have to tell people that it is. It kind of reminds me of a needy child and I hate needy children!
Over here is the condiment squirters, and Arby’s has it’s own sauce. I find it kind of disturbing that there’s no description of what this “sauce” is, it looks like watered-down ketchup to me, but I took a container for my sandwich. When in Rome...well, we’re not in Rome, we’re in Arby’s, so I just filled up a container of the sauce as the gentleman called me back up to the counter because our order is up. All of a sudden I’m getting a Puddy flashback!
I have to say, the restaurant is very clean, so that’s nice! I chose this table over here by the window to sit and have our very own Arby’s experience! My first in over four decades!
Here’s a birds-eye-view of my meal. I got the “Classic” roast beef sandwich and an order of the curly fries. And there’s the tub of Arby’s “Sauce.” So...let’s dig in!
I’ve never liked eating curly fries for one simple reason and I’m just going to throw it out here, so excuse me if it grosses you out, but they always make me think of deep-fried pig dicks. And I have to admit, I’ve never really looked at a pig’s dick and I’m hoping never to have that experience, but I’m guessing that they look like this. And this is why I hate the curly fries! These are pretty greasy, the seasoning is kind of weird tasting and I think it’s time to move on to the main course, the Arby’s sandwich!
There it is, this is what Arby’s bills as the “Classic” roast beef sandwich. Well, so far it’s not too impressive, let’s take off the top bun and see what’s under the sesame seed hood on this thing.
Yikes! That is some scary looking meat! It’s kind of grey and slimy like snot to the touch. And check out the holes in the meat! Do they use meat from cows that are suffering from leprosy here? I mean I guess it’s nice that they put them out of their misery, but I don’t know if I want to put that in my mouth! One good thing that this sandwich could be used for is if you want your child to become a vegetarian, just bring them here and show them this meat. They’ll probably eat salads and vegetables happily for the rest of their lives.
I’ve done some wacky-ass things on this blog through the years. I’ve sat on both Santa and the Easter Bunny’s laps, I’ve dressed up as a woman and went out on the town, I’ve documented the inside of Peoria’s oldest porno shop, I've gotten tattooed and I’ve hitchhiked on University Street, but putting this thing in my mouth and taking a bite is one of the more frightening things I’ve ever done. I really don’t want to do this, but, as they say, the show must go on, so here we go...
Okay, I took a big bite and it was really gross and vile. I don’t know what kind of meat this shit is, but it is not roast beef! The sandwich is moist and food being moist is never a good thing, believe me! There really isn’t any taste to it, but the moist and spongey consistency really makes for a sickening feeling in my mouth and gave me quite a feeling of vomit eruptis.
I struggled with some descriptive way to explain this “classic” roast beef sandwich at Arby’s and the best thing I came up with is it’s like eating a sneeze. A wet, sickening sneeze from an asthmatic, slobbering, doddering old man who’s just sneezed into a bun and served it up for dinner. And you know what was going through his mind as he yakked into that bun...he was thinking...Arby’s! And now I’m eating it! Aaaahhh!
None of those memes on the internet describe this horrific and throw-up inducing experience of eating at Arby's correctly. Only the words of Colonel Kurtz can properly describe it...”The horror...the horror.”
Zero Dagwood Bumsteads—I would not wish this experience on my worst enemy. The only good thing about having gone and documented it is that whenever I want to lose some weight, I’ll come back to this post and look at these stomach-churning photos and I know my appetite will be erased by this bad memory of my moist, snot-like, sneeze sandwich at Arby’s!
Related Posts: A Year In The Life Of A Sandwich @: The Chef And The Baker, 4th & Goal Grill, No Wake Zone, Agatucci’s, The Downtown Diner in Morton, The Exchange in Delavan, Big Behm’s Sports Bar & Grill, Chick-Fil-A, Jimbo’s Jumbo, Grandpa John’s Rib Shack, Khaki Jack’s, Blue Duck Barbecue Tavern, Green Gables Bar And Grill, Kenny’s Westside Pub, No Wake Zone, Picco’s Pit Bar-B-Que And Steakhouse, The Fox Pub, Leonardo’s/La Gondola, Castle’s Patio Inn, Kuchie’s On The Water, The 50’s Diner, Donnelly’s Pub, The Mix Sandwich Works, Nacho Mama’s and Jim's Steakhouse.