Bob Geldof doesn’t like Mondays. Well, I don’t like Tuesdays.
I think Tuesday is the worst day of the week. At least on Monday you still have fleeting memories of the weekend, for good or bad. And that gives you something to think about other than being at your stupid job. And let’s face it, most of our jobs are stupid, that’s why they pay you to go there. But on Tuesday, the former weekend seems like a faded spot on your socks and the upcoming weekend is like an untouchable horizon in the distance. And there’s another factor for me in my hatred of Tuesday and that factor is: Taco Tuesday.
I can’t stand these “daily holidays” that have popped up in the last few years like: “Thirsty Thursday,” “Finally Friday” and “Sunday Funday.” But at least those lame-ass days make some sort of sense. They’re about celebrating the end of the week and the last day of the weekend, so I get it. I don’t like it, but hey, I’ll go with the flow on those days. But Taco Tuesday? Well, I don’t want to spend the time writing about how much I hate that saying and that day so to sum up my feelings regarding Taco Tuesday, let’s just say this: “Fuck Taco Tuesday!
I’ve put these thoughts up on Twitter quite a bit in the past couple of years and here’s just a sampling of my Tweets on the subject of Taco Tuesday:
After my last, “Fuck Taco Tuesday” Tweet last week, I got a reply from “M” @aIgorerhythm with this message in it:
Well, that tweaked my interest, so I clicked on the link and this article appeared, you can click here to read the whole thing.
So basically Taco John’s owns Taco Tuesday! Well, today is Tuesday, so I thought I’d go to the belly of the beast and finally confront and surrender to Taco Tuesday and see what this day is all about. There’s a Taco John’s in East Peoria, so let’s go and get knee deep in taco sauce over there on this fine Tuesday afternoon and experience Taco Tuesday for better or for worse! And yes, I”m expecting the latter, but what the hell, it’ll be something to do!
Okay, here we are at Taco John’s in East Peoria, the official owner of the phrase, “Taco Tuesday.” Wouldn’t you think since they threaten to sue anyone who uses these precious words that they’d be displayed somewhere in the windows here? Well, there’s no mention of Taco Tuesday here, all I see is this sign that reads: “Less Talk. More Taco.” Hmm, outside of the fact that those are incomplete sentences, I guess the glaring observation about this sign is this: It doesn’t make any fucking sense in this world or beyond! Oh well, I guess it’s better than saying something like: “Our tacos are better than Hitler.” Because most of us know that HItler comparisons can almost always be a very bad mistake! #SeanSpicer
Okay, here we are inside and I have to say, it’s very clean in here! It reminds me of Paul’s Grandad! There’s lots of taco options on the menu so I chose a couple, placed my order and went over to...
This booth. I secured a couple of packets of Taco John’s private label hot sauce to add a little zing and pizazz to the day’s taco activities and then I took a look around in here. There’s just one other diner in here. He's somewhat of a portly fellow over there. it’s a little sad and lonely on this Taco Tuesday today inside of here. Sob!
Okay, here’s our Taco Tuesday meal. Let’s try and get into the spirit of this day here!
I got an order of Potato Olés to start the Taco Tuesday lunch off with. They’re basically little round deep-fried greasy hash browns. Did I mention they’re really greasy? Oh, good because they’re really greasy! Outside of that fact, one thing I hate about these Potato Olés is that my fingernails really need clipping. Fuck, I hate it when that happens and kind of wish i was dead right now. Maybe we should just move along here.
Okay, time to unwrap the tacos, the main event for this Taco Tuesday, things are really getting exciting now...well, let’s just act like they are because that portly fellow that was my only company in here just left and I’m feeling a little scared and lonely in here right now!
One of my taco selections was a crispy taco and I thought I’d put a comparison between the menu photo and the actual crispy taco I was served. As you can see the actual taco is a little anemic looking compared to the menu picture. Maybe instead of hot sauce they should have packets of vitamin B-12 sauce. Just a thought, i’m only trying help here, not hurt!
Well, as you can see, this taco is not only anemic, it’s also pretty thin. It’s got a strange taste to it and it took me a while to find the words to properly describe it and I guess I’d say it kind of tastes like barbecued crunchy phlegm. That’s a nice name for a punk rock band, but not really an appetizing thing to be chewing on, so let’s move on to taco number two!
My other taco selection was another classic taco: The softshell taco. As you can see, the menu softshell tacos look pretty tasty but the actual one, well, this is kind of an obscure reference, but it made me think of the Red Skeleton character, Clem Kadiddlehopper. Here’s a picture of Red as Clem and I think you’ll agree with me!
Well now, opening up this softshell taco isn’t too appetizing, so I quickly folded it back over and took a bite. Between the soft tortilla, the wilted lettuce and the somewhat rancid tasting meat and cheese it tasted like Clem Kadiddlehopper’s soiled underpants. And please, don’t ask how I know what Clem Kadiddlehopper’s soiled underpants taste like. What happens in Red Skeleton’s dressing room stays in Red Skeleton’s dressing room! So there!
The Dessert Bird Stick Sugar Thing
I got this thing for dessert and it was called a cinnamon churro or something, but it looks like some kind of a bird stick feeder to me. And it tastes like a bird stick feeder...with sugar on it. It almost makes me long for the taste of Clem Kadiddlehopper’s soiled underpants...but not really! I do have to admit that this adventure into the patented Taco Tuesday land of Taco John’s really did teach me a lesson today! And that lesson is...