Okay, it’s Friday night, once again the MBIP Contributing Writer’s well is dry as a bone and that can only mean one thing: Friday Night Drive-Through! I started this series back in April with a trip to Long John Silver’s and now for the second installment I thought we’d take our flavorbuds south of the border to Taco Bell, or Taco Hell, as some like to call it. Okay, off we go to yet another fast food drive though on a springtime Friday night! Hooray!
And we’re off, cruising into the darkness of a Friday evening. Next stop...
Taco Hell! I went to the one on Sterling Avenue since it’s kind of on my way home. I refuse to go out of my way to get a dinner from Taco Hell!
There’s the entrance to the drive-through, notice I don’t spell it “drive thru.” That’s because, “thru” is not a real word, it’s something someone from an extremely dim-witted advertising agency probably thought of. It’s like the word, “lite,” another advertising-driven non-word. I refuse to use these “words” and that’s just the way it is and always will be, so there!
Here we are at the drive-through menu. Can you say, “sensory overload?” I knew that you could! How the fuck are you supposed to choose something from all these beaming choices, especially with the pressure of another car waiting behind you? Luckily, I came prepared, I looked at the menu earlier on my laptop on break from work and chose my order. I quickly spat it out before the line behind me got too long and I got frozen with wild-eyed, drive-through pressure terror.
My order is now confirmed, Taco Hells now pronounces me man and order and I may proceed to the drive-up window.
And here we are and there’s our order being clutched by the Taco Hell window worker. She’s really cute and I appreciate her posing for the MBIP Camera and I have a feeling this could be the highlight of the evening!
That’s our bag of Taco Hell grub situated in the passenger seat of the MBIP Mobile. I have no idea what, “I’ve Got The Hookup” means. It almost sounds like some sort of disease or something. “I swear Doc, I haven’t been with anyone for months, I don’t know how I got the Hookup...oh, wait, maybe it was from the toilet seat at Elliot’s Cabaret! I knew I should’ve waited to go to the bathroom till I got home! Aaaahhh!”
Okay, let’s go back to the MBIP World Headquarters and sample this week’s fast food, drive-through meal.
Here we are in the MBIP taste-testing laboratory/kitchen.
Joan Jett watches over all that happens in here. I love Joan Jett, just like she loves rock 'n roll!
We’ll take out the official taste-testing MBIP plate that my sister Terry made for me at Christmas. I love the MBIP taste-testing plate!
Here’s our meal still wrapped up, we’ll reveal what I got in a minute, but first...
Diablo Sauce! Arriba!
And check it out, just like Long John Silver’s, the only eating utensil they supply you with is a fork. That’s just so disappointing, pathetic and depressing, let’s take a minute to wallow in our forked misery here...okay, let’s keep moving along now.
I started off with the Crunchy Taco, but the shell isn’t really crunchy at all, it’s kind of chewy and has the consistency of flypaper without the glue. Inside it’s mostly filled with lettuce and tasteless cheese. There’s some dark mystery meat at the bottom, but you really can’t taste that either. It’s kind of like eating a tasteless taco salad wrapped in unglued flypaper. Let’s move on!
This is the Cheesy Fiesta Potatoes and I have to admit feeling a little disturbed looking at this side dish. It’s that big blob of white stuff on top of the cheese and potatoes that’s unnerving me. I have no idea what it is, but I have a mental picture of Speedy Gonzalez jerking off all over my Cheesy Fiesta Potatoes and it’s starting to make me feel just a little sick. I better take a bite of this before my stomach goes, "heave ho." Ugh, the consistency of the potatoes is really spongy and now I have a mental picture of eating contraceptive sponges that have been jerked off all over by Speedy Gonzalez. Arriba, arriba...andale, andale...
Just when I think it can’t get any worse than having Speedy Gonzales jerk off all over my dinner, I unwrapped the Cheesy Double Beef Burrito and I really wish the Grim Reaper would strike me dead before we have to go any further with this shit! And no, I don’t fear the reaper and maybe that’s why he’s not striking me dead, so I guess we have to keep moving along here. Well now, this looks like a diaper that has been filled up with rancid diarrhea and I put some of the Diablo Sauce on top to make it look like there’s a little blood in there so it resembles rancid diarrhea that came from an unfortunate soul that has full-bore rectal cancer. I don’t know about you, but I may never eat food again.
Oh wow, I took a close-up photo and there’s rice in this burrito and it makes it look like there’s maggots crawling in the rancid rectal cancer diarrhea...Oh, I just can’t wait to dive in (sarcasm alert) so here we go...
Well this certainly tastes like shit and that’s not too much of a surprise considering it looks like a diaper filled with rancid rectal cancer diarrhea.
Oh no! It looks like the maggots are multiplying at an alarming rate...I think...I’ve got...The Hookup! Aaahhh, someone call 911, I’m starting to fade fast over here...