Some disturbing news came out a few weeks ago from the Canadian Broadcasting Company. And it’s not just any old news, it’s sandwich news! They did a DNA test of Subway chicken sandwiches and according to their findings, the chicken in in Subway’s sandwich contains only 50% actual chicken! You can read the entire article here.
That was pretty shocking news, but it did come from Canada—and I’m not putting Canada down, I have friends from Canada (hello Lex and Pam!) and think it’s a great country, but they did give us Gordon LIghtfoot. And Gordon Lightfoot gave us, “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald", one of the worst and most vomit-inducing, horrific ear-worm songs of all time. So I thought that we should check this sandwich story out ourselves, right here in Peoria, on our 39th week of sandwiches!
Our investigative journey begins right here, in the belly of the beast, the Subway sandwich shop on Willow Knolls Drive, just down the road from MBIP World Headquarters. Even though it’s in close proximity to the home of MBIP, I’ve never been in here because it’s a chain restaurant and it’s also Subway. And we all know Subway sells two slices of bread with about a half a slice of pathetic-looking meat and calls it a sandwich, so I don’t waste my time or money here. But up till now, I always assumed that at least the skimpy portion of meat they gave you was 100% meat, but today we’ll find out! Let’s go in and let this MBIP sandwich investigation begin!
The shop itself looks okay, it’s very clean, I’ll give them that! But as I get in line and walk up to the cold cuts display, I spy the chicken patties that will go on our chicken sandwich and they look pretty disgusting! This is truly, “the other white meat.” In fact it looks like diseased albino meat! And now I’m thinking that these chicken patties resemble slices carved from Johnny Winter’s albino left buttock. Oh, the horror!
Here’s the sandwich all wrapped up with a glass of iced tea. But we’re not going to examine the sandwich here, I’ve decided to take this matter to a professional!
I thought we’d have some professionals examine and analyze this Subway chicken sandwich, so I came out here to PDC Laboratories. After extensive research I figured they might be just the scientists to help us get to the root of this sandwich dilemma!
Oh, okay, I Googled, “Labs, Peoria,” and they were the first to come up. But I looked at their website and they look really credible and here we are, so let’s go inside and see if we can find out what the hell this Subway chicken sandwich actually contains!
I went inside clutching my Subway sandwich bag and the first person I ran into was Gina, who was very nice and more than accommodating! She said they’ve never had this sort of request before but was nice enough to call out Kurt. Kurt was very informative and while I didn’t understand most of what he was telling me about environmental water testing and Polychlorinated Dibenzodioxins and Polychlorinated Dibenzofurans (okay, I copied those last two off of their website, but that’s kind of what it all sounded like to me!) I did understand that they’re not in the business of testing Subway sandwiches. So it looks like I’m going to have to take matters fully into my own hands here! And after I did, I decided to test this sandwich myself! First I needed to set up a scientific lab that was capable of analyzing this “chicken” sandwich, so I decided to do what any budding scientist would do—I went to a toy store to get a cheap-ass chemistry set.
Toys R Us
Sure I could’ve spent a lot of dough on scientific equipment...but I’m not going to do that to look at a piece of meat that looks like it was carved straight out of Johhny Winters white Albino ass! So let’s go in and find the chemistry set section!
Yikes, it’s not quite as bad as the IHOP in here, but it sure runs a close second! Screaming kids are everywhere and the place is like a mall set up to advertise birth control! At least they’re not selling shitty pancakes in here, so I’m thankful for that small victory! I found the chemistry set section and check out the first one I saw, “Antopia Adventure!” That thing looks like some glorified ant farm with some asshole kid with goggles on! I quickly moved along and saw this “Kids First Biology Lab,” but it was almost 35 bucks! I found something more in my price range and then headed back to the place where I began this journey...
MBIP World Headquarters
I found the perfect chemistry set to build our sandwich analyzing laboratory here in MBIP World Headquarters, “The Junior Little Laboratory.” It looks like its got everything I need to get this shit over with...I mean to analyze this sandwich! Plus, it was sitting on a clearance table for $6.99, so the price was definitely right! Okay, time to get all scientific here and find out just what the cluck is in this chicken sandwich!
I assembled the lab and here it is on the MBIP World Headquarters Coffee Table. Now my only problem is figuring out what to do first here, wait, I know...
We’ll read the booklet that came along with the chemistry set! When all else fails, read the instructions!
Hmmm...The first entry was called, “Color Changing Celery.” I learned how to do that when I first moved out on my own, I just bought celery and let it sit next to my ever-changing piles of beer in the fridge and it went from green to grey in a matter of weeks. The next page asks the question: “What is Mold?” Well, that would be what’s growing on the celery. And the last thing I read was, “What’s That Smell?” Huh! Okay, I’m not going to stand here and be insulted by some cheap-ass, fuck-all pre-school chemistry booklet! We’ll just figure out how to analyze this sandwich ourselves! Harumph!
Okay, we’ve taken the sandwich and put it on the official MBIP Testing Plate and unwrapped it. I really hate how this sandwich is making me obsess over Johnny Winter’s left buttock, but how can you not help it after taking a gander at that somewhat diseased looking meat on that pitiful sandwich!
Alright, time to let the science begin! I feel just like Mr. Wizard over here!
After performing several scientific tests on the sandwich and the Johnny Winter albino buttock meat, I decided that we must move away from this sandwich for a minute...
And fill this beaker up with some "scientific liquid" which will help this experiment move along a little smoother. Yes, I need a little liquid courage, because the time has come to actually bite into this scary-ass albino Johnny Winter butt cheek sandwich. Aaahhh!
Oh my! I’m not sure what Johnny Winter’s left albino butt cheek tastes like but I think I know now. So this sandwich appears to be maybe 50% chicken and 40% albino butt cheek...but what’s the other 10% consist of? Well, considering how it tastes, I think you can figure it out from the next picture where I decided to deposit the rest of this sandwich...
Yes, I put it in the toilet because it tastes like pure, unadulterated shit. So we’ve figured out what’s in the Subway chicken sandwich, now if only I could get that motherfucking “Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald” song out of my mind!
Zero Dagwood Bumsteads—This sandwich tastes like shit and will have you obsessing over both Johnny Winter’s left albino butt cheek and the song, “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald.” Take it from one who’s experienced this...stay far, far away from Subway chicken sandwiches!
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