One place I was amazed to see still open in downtown Peoria when I moved back here is the adult bookstore that used to be called, “Swingers World.” That place has been on the same corner for decades. It’s now called “Lovers Playground,” but it’s still an adult bookstore, which amazes me. Who the hell goes to an adult bookstore when you have the internet? If you’re not sure what I’m talking about, please, allow me to Google it for you.
With all the free porn and websites selling sex toys and whatever floats you boat out there in the internet land, how can an adult bookstore stay in business these days? Well, let’s just go and find out!
Here we go! It’s a bright, sunshiny day out here, which sucks for me. I hate brightness and I hate the sunshine, but what are you going to do?
It still looks like the old, windowless Swingers World on the outside.
The front door’s right over there...
“We Don’t Make Change.” Well, now, that’s an odd for a retail business, but hey, it’s your business, you do what you need to do. Let’s go inside and see if we can take pictures in here.
I walked in and saw a gentlemen behind the counter in the middle of the room. I gave him a card and told him about the blog and he told me he had seen the post about going to Perdue’s for a tenderloin! Anyway, he was a real nice guy, but said no way could I take pictures in there, but I was free to wander around and take notes, which was nice of him, so I put my camera away and took my notebook out.
As you walk in, you’ll find the ambiance to be nothing like the old Swingers World store. That place was dark and pretty skeevy inside, but it’s bright in here and really clean. As you walk in, there’s dildos, vibrators and stimulators to the left of me and there’s lingerie and bachelorette party items to the right, here I am, stuck in the middle with you.
The glass counter where you pay for things is in the middle of the store and there’s candy and condoms there along with DVDs you can rent from the place.
The back walls on the right of the building are filled with X-rated DVDs. I used to like looking at porn titles where they’d be creative with name’s like: A Clockwork Orgy, A League Of There Moan, Schindler’s Fist and I always tell people my favorite porn movie title was found in Times Square back in the early ‘’90’s when the area was still jampacked with porn shops and theaters. There, in a giant porn store in the midst of thousands of X-rated tapes was one entitled: Blowin’ In The Wind. Pure and simple genius! Most of the titles here are boring like, Brandi’s Big Gang Bang and Big Tits Volume 5. There’s also a couple of disturbing family favorites with the titles of: Your Mom’s Hairy Pussy and It’s Okay, She’s My Stepdaughter.
Over on the left there’s a case selling pipes that are to be used for “tobacco only.”
Behind that was a bookshelf with porno magazines. I’m surprised the internet hasn’t put them all out of business. And speaking of the internet, this place has twenty video booths where you can watch a private movie. I’ll leave the rest to your imagination, I’d spell it out, but it’s a bit of a sticky wicket.
While walking around this X-rated parlor I had an idea. Since I couldn’t take photo of the place, I’d take part of the place home with me. I bought a few items and we’ll take them home and look at a few things you can buy in here.
And here we are back at MBIP Headquarters with a little black bag from Lovers Playground. Let's take a look at the inventory I purchased.
They still sell porno magazines there which amaze me. I thought the internet would've killed these publications, which I'm kind of charmed are still in existence. The Penthouse Letters magazine really brings back memories. It makes me think about a legendary Penthouse letter that I read years ago where supposedly a guy wrote in about cooking his family's Thanksgiving turkey and fucking it before serving it to his family and in-laws. The famous words were that he was looking at the turkey's juices flowing between the legs and before he knew it..."he had to have that bird!" Ha ha ha!
Bachelorette party favors are big sellers in Lovers Playground and here's some "Pecker Straws." Personally I would've called them, "Swizzle Dicks," but that's just me.
I never like to get political on the blog, but I couldn't pass up this "Beatin' Barack" toy. Who doesn't want to watch him "stimulate his own package." Okay, I guess that would be all of us, so let's move on before the Feds show up at my door!
I've saved the best for last: The Fatty Patty Love Doll. She's "Large and in Charge." And just check out that come hither look on her face...kind of like she's just waiting for a cheeseburger to be thrown in her direction.
And here she is, fresh out of the box. Let's unwrap her and see Fatty Patty in all her glory.
Here she is unwrapped and on the MBIP bed. Let's blow her up and bring her to life.
Okay, I'm kind of pissed off here, the part where you blow in to isn't working. There's plastic covering the blow hole and it isn't working.
It's too small to fit a knife in to, so I took a hanger and I'm trying to plug a hole into it. But it's making me feel like I'm performing some sort of back alley abortion on Fatty Patty and it's kind of making me sick.
Okay, twenty minutes later and this fucking thing still isn't working, I have to get to work soon and I can't fuck around with this anymore.
I hate to break the news to you Fatty Patty, but it looks like we just weren't meant to be.
As tempting as you are, I think it's time to take you to your new home.
Fatty Patty, please allow me to introduce you to Mr. Dumpster. Please don't be alarmed by the Cardboard Box Man Mutation there on the side door.