It’s that time of the week, time to go looking for a magazine here in Peoria.
Let’s make like Bob Seger and…ahem…turn the page.
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Hy-Vee
Here we are at Hy-Vee in Sheridan Village. Most of you know that Schnucks is my go to grocery store, but this is my secondary store that I stop in every now and again.
It’s a little further from The MBIP World Headquarters than Schnucks. Schnucks is about a 90 second drive and this is about two minutes away. So when I feel like taking a scenic drive I come over here.
I’m also going be getting frozen pizzas for my weekly pizza reviews here soon. If you missed this week’s frozen pizza video, here’s a link to it.
Okay, it’s down the aisle to…
The magazine stand! This is about half the size of Schnucks’ magazine stand.
Okay, I found an interesting and somewhat strange magazine to make fun of…I mean to look at and examine this week.
Now its back to The MBIP World Headquarters Magazine Reading Room we go!
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The MBIP World Headquarters Magazine Reading Room
I saw this magazine and my first thought was, “Why in the holy mother of fuck is there a magazine devoted to ‘Little House on the Prairie?’”
My second thought was: “I’m really fucking glad that Michael Landon is dead.” I never liked him and my favorite character on “Bonanza” was Hop Sing. I have never seen an episode of “Little House on the Prairie.”
The TV show aired from 1974 to 1983. I started smoking pot in 1973 and then moved on to various other mind-altering substances and I was pretty much high out of my mind from 1973 to 1985, when I cut out the drugs and just switched to booze full time. So I didn’t have the time or mindset for dipshit, mind-numbing shows like, “Little House on the Prairie.”
Supposedly they published this magazine because the show is celebrating its 50th anniversary. The first episode of this asshole show aired on September 11, 1974, which means the show is actually almost 51 years old. But who’s counting…oh…I am.
The cover line on this ridiculous idea for a magazine that scared me the most is this one: “Dean Butler on Kissing Melissa Gilbert & Lessons He Learned From Micheal Landon.”
So Dean Butler was making out with both Melissa Gilbert and Michael Landon?
Now I don’t want to be judgmental here, to each their own…I just want to say that I’m really fucking glad that Michael Landon is dead.
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The Price
The price for this anniversary magazine is 15 bucks.
The house may be little, but the price of the magazine is just a little too fucking large!
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Contents
The description for page 30 caught my eye: “Dean Butler opened up exclusively to Jennifer Vineyard about sharing kisses with Melissa Gilbert and being knocked on his ass by Michael Landon.”
Well, it looks like Michael Landon liked the rough stuff! Now I’m wondering if he ever sexually roughed-up Hop Sing? I don’t think I’m going to get Chinese food for dinner tonight after all.
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The Fly
Melissa Gilbert shared this thought about the first day of shooting: “Michael pushed up his sleeves and rewrote the script on the fly…”
And I bet his pants came down and he wrote it on Dean Butler’s fly before beating the shit out of him while eating an egg roll and thinking about abusive and rough man-sex with Hop Sing.
Fuck it, I may never eat Chinese food again.
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Awful Awful Awful Awful
Karen Grassle played Michael Landon’s wife on the show and she talked about how Landon would make cruel and filthy sexual jokes at her expense on the set with the male crew members. She said this about those bad Michael Landon memories: “I mean it was awful, awful, awful.”
Hey Karen, at least he wasn’t using your body for a sexual joke like he was with Dean Butler! I bet that was, awful, awful, awful, awful and then even more awful!
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Peanut Butter And Crack
In an interview with sexually confused and abused actor, Dean Butler, it’s revealed that Melissa Gilbert once put peanut butter in his underwear at the perverted direction of Michael Landon.
Talk about getting into a sticky wicket! One can only hope it was smooth and not crunchy peanut butter!
I’m also scratching peanut butter off of the menu for tonight for those of you keeping score.
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Going Limp
In that same interview with Dean Butler, he throws out this somewhat disturbing line: “Then there was the time Michael told me to go limp.”
Ummm…Dean, have you ever heard of the phrase, “too much information?”
Also, now I’m taking hot dogs off of tonight’s list of possible dinner ideas. I might just fast for the evening, I’m starting to feel a little sick to my stomach.
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Victor French
Victor French is an actor who appeared regularly on “Little House on the Prairie” and they printed this within the article about him: “Landon described the experience as, ‘working with the man I love.’”
French is quoted in the same article saying that the pair spent: “more time together than a married couple.”
Well, this brings up two questions: Did Victor French know about Michael Landon’s male sex toy, Dean Butler? Also, did Michael Landon ever ask Victor French to “go limp?”
Well, we may never know the answers to those questions but one thing is crystal clear after perusing this waste of paper not too cleverly disguised as a cruel excuse for a magazine: I am so fucking glad that Michael Landon is dead! Good riddance, little fellow.
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Related Posts: The MBIP Magazine Of The Week: closer, POP Magazine and How Dogs Think.