Okay, this week is going to be a little different than your standard, weekly Saturday Night Cheeseburger. Most of you regulars here at MBIP know that what I’m doing this year is going back to the place I got a cheeseburger at last year and trying something different off of the menu. Well, last year, due to some computer malfunctions and other problems, there wasn’t a Saturday Night Cheeseburger edition. Instead I posted about a night at Champs West. Well, Champs West is currently closed (it’s supposed to be re-opening soon, stay tuned for that) so I can’t go back there. What I’ve decided to do is something that’s usually never done on MBIP. I’m going to go to some fast-food chain restaurants and get a burger to go from the drive-through window and then take them back to MBIP Headquarters and sample them there. I haven’t had a chain hamburger in probably twenty years, time to see what they’re like in 2014. And now, in best Frank Zappa fashion, let’s go cruising for burgers!
Off we go on a dank, rainy night. It’s kind of a good thing that we’re not going anywhere special. It’s pretty shitty out and we can just go through the drive-through windows and not have to get out of the car. Funny how things work out, isn’t it?
Parking lot shot, number one: McDonald’s on Main Street.
Drive-through speaker quality: Horrendous, sounds like a transistor radio from 1947 that’s floating in a toilet filled with lime jello.
Drive-through experience: Not too good, I asked if I could take her picture, she screamed, threw the bag at me and ran. Here’s the back of her running from me. Sheesh, all she had to do was say, “No thanks.” This is kind the “anti-happy meal.”
Parking lot shot, number two: Burger King on University Street.
Drive-through speaker quality: Very bad, sounds like a Tribble talking to you through a tin can.
Drive-through experience: Very nice! She happily smiled for the MBIP camera, thanked me profusely and told me to have a great night! The highlight of the evening so far. I know it’s not much, but hey, when you're driving around in the rain to shitty fast food places—you take your highlights wherever you can get them!
Parking lot shot, number three: Steak ‘n Shake on North Big Hollow Road.
Drive-through speaker quality: Really good! And the guy talking kind of has an announcer type voice...maybe Greg Batton’s working weekends here.
Drive-through experience: Madgejestic! And no, that’s not a typo, I asked him if I could take a picture and he went into full-bore Madonna mode and struck the pose! I cherish moments like this. It made me feel like I’m on a holiday. And I’m just so thrilled I can live to tell this experience. Okay, I’ll stop now.
Well, we’re here at MBIP Headquarters and look how dark it is. And this time it’s not my camera futzing around, this whole block is dark and I’m guessing there’s no power. Motherfucker!
Yep, looks like the power is out in the building, the safety lights are the only thing lit. It’s kind of spooky.
Okay, I’ve successfully made it into MBIP Headquarters. Having lived through the 2003 Northeast Blackout when I lived in New York, I’m expertly prepared for such an eventuality as this.
A lantern and three candles should do the trick and this post will keep moving along without so much as a hiccup! There’ll probably be some burps later, but definitely no hiccups...so there!
Okay, the hamburgers are out and on the plate. Time to make like Kurtis Blow and start sampling.
Perception: A cheeseburger displayed on the McDonald’s website.
Reality: It’s about half the size of the picture and the burger is almost dwarfed by the bun. Makes me think of Coco’s thong.
Under the bun shot: Gross, it looks like a cross between a horrible cheeseburger and a used Kotex!
The taste test: It tastes like a cross between a horrible cheeseburger and a used Kotex. The horror...the horror.
Perception: A cheeseburger displayed on the Burger King website.
Reality: The bun actually does dwarf the cheeseburger here and it looks like the cheese is sticking its tongue out at us. Asshole cheeseburger!
Under the bun shot: They held the lettuce, but not the pickles, maybe special orders upset Burger King these days.
The taste test: It tastes like an asshole cheeseburger.
Perception: A cheeseburger displayed on the Steak ‘n Shake website.
Reality: At least you can see the steakburger, but it appears they only put the condiments on one corner. What a gyp!
Under the bun shot: It looks like it’s diseased. I think they used a mad cow for this burger.
The taste test: Pretty tasteless and drier than all the combined skin at a 1969 psoriasis convention. Pure agony.
Well now that that’s over and the electricity is still out, better start power-drinking these beers before they get warm! I told you there would be burps later! We’ll see you all tomorrow!
McDonalds: A negative Wimpy.
Burger King: Half a negative Wimpy.
Today’s post was brought to you by Jimmy's Bar. Check them and all the other fine businesses helping to support this blog over at the MBIP Bucket List Page. Your Daily Random Linkage awaits you at the bottom of the that page as well!