Okay, tonight is going to be something that brings forth equal parts dread and excitement. If you read last week’s Christmas post, you know I went out and overindulged just a wee bit last week. So tonight instead of going out for pizza tonight, I’m staying in here at the MBIP World Headquarters and I’m going to make my own pizza using a box of Chef Boyardee Pizza Maker mix. I haven’t made one of these in decades and the memory of them in the past is pretty horrific. That’s the sense of dread. But, you’d think after all the years of making this product, maybe they’ve improved it and it won’t be that bad. That’s the sense of excitement. Okay, for once we don’t need to head out to the MBIP Mobile, we just need to...
Step in to the MBIP kitchen over here. As you can see, the pizza box is on the counter.
But before we start building our pie, let’s grab something out of the MBIP fridge...
It’s time to uncork the bottle of beer that Scott Turley brought over a couple of weeks ago...
And when I say, “uncork,” I mean it literally! This bottle of beer actually has a cork in it. Fancy schmancy!
Okay, the beer is uncorked and it’s really good, thanks again, Scott! Now let’s read the directions on the back of the box.
The first thing we do is preheat the MBIP oven to 425. Okay, that was easy enough. Oh, I forgot to add that my chef name while creating this pizza pie is: Chef Boyarmee. Alright, let’s keep moving along.
Here’s all the ingredients from the Pizza Maker box. There’s sauce, flour and cheese. I’ve decided to stay true to the box and not add any extra ingredients and keep it 100% pure.
We need a bowl and luckily enough we have one of those. I’ve had this bowl for over 30 years, in fact most of my kitchen collection is old and pretty pathetic. Somehow I lost my fork a few months ago (yeah, I only had one) so I now have a black plastic fork I got at Schnuck’s salad bar. I still have my spoon though, which is good just in case I ever decide to revive my cocaine habit from the ‘80’s.
Speaking of cocaine, here’s the flour poured in the bowl. Please feel free to insert your own Scarface joke here. You can’t see this because you’re not here, but I’ve just taken my pants off and said, “Say hello to my little friend!” I’m cracking myself up over here!
Okay, next we’re supposed to add 2/3 of a cup of very warm water to the flour and mix it together. I don’t have a measuring cup, so I’ll just slowly add water till it seems about right.
The dough seems good and the next step is to drizzle a tablespoon of oil on top, I just have my kitchen spoon and I’m not sure if it’s a tablespoon or not, so I drizzled two spoonfuls on the dough. It looks right to me.
Now we have to let the dough sit covered in a warm area for five minutes, so I put it on top of my heating unit.
While we wait for that, here’s a video on a pizza place that was about a ten minute walk from my apartment in New York, Joe’s Pizza on Bleecker street. I’ve eaten a lot of slices at that place and it makes me a little homesick for New York.
Okay, the dough has rested and is now spread out on our pizza pan.
Now the toppings have been added and I have to say that these toppings are very disappointing and more than just a little upsetting. The sauce has no meat in it and looks like third-rate ketchup. There's not enough Parmesan cheese to cover the stomach-turning sauce. It doesn't look too promising, but we've come this far, so we need to take it all the way.
Into the oven it goes.
We need to cook it for twenty minutes. Hopefully it'll look better when it comes out than it did going in.
And now a pause to enjoy the rest of Scott's beer. It was quite tasty and very strong, which is good. We may need a little liquid courage to eat this pizza when it's done.
We've got plenty of choices of hot sauce because of Ragin' RR's generous gift of this selection of Tabasco sauces. I've placed a member of the Nude Family in the middle of the selection.
Oh my, here's the finished product, this doesn't look very good at all.
Let's cut it up and pray it doesn't taste as horrible as it looks.
We'll let the slices cool a little here, which is a good excuse to...
Have a beer or three. I finished off Scott's craft beer and need some more to get the courage to eat this thing.
Okay, here we go, my tastebuds are recoiling in fear as the slice moves towards my mouth...
As bad as it looks, it tastes even worse. The crust is loose and crumbly, the sauce tastes like rancid warm ketchup that's gone horribly wrong and the cheese has a pungent horrible flavor.
This is all I can eat. I need to make a beer run, it's going to take a lot of beer to rinse this horrible taste out of my mouth. Sadly, I don't know if I can ever erase it from my mind.
I threw most of it away, but to be true to this tour, I did save one slice for the next day cold pizza challenge.
The air is heavy with the sense of impending doom in the air as I take this slice out of the MBIP fridge.
The horror...the horror. We'll see you all tomorrow!
Zero Chef Boyardees—Which is somewhat ironic considering this is Chef Boyardee, but what are you going to do?
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NIghtmare Pizza Art by Jaws the Cabbie!
Jaws the Cabbie sent in this nightmare pizza topped with the multiple heads of Chef Ramsay. Yikes! Thanks Jaws!