When I started this blog last year, someone suggested I go to Spudnut Donuts in Pekin. I think it was Hap Mansfield, but don’t quote me on that because I’m writing this, I’m not actually speaking. Maybe I am speaking, you don’t know if I talk along as I type or not and one thing’s for sure: I’ll never tell! So there! Now where was I? Oh yeah, Pekin, Illinois, home of Spudnut Donuts. I had plans to go there and then I found out what the hours are for their business: 4AM to 10:30AM, Tuesday through Saturday. And no, that’s not a typo, they're open from four in the goddamned morning to ten-thirty, six and a half hours later in the same goddamned morning. And if you haven’t noticed or realized, I’m really not a morning person. But I heard this place has the best fucking donuts in the world, but they can sell out by seven or eight in the morning. So, as a service to you, the dear and wonderful MBIP reader, I’m setting my alarm for 4:44AM in the goddamned morning. I’ll see you then...and be forewarned, this ain’t going to be pretty...
Aaaahhhhh! That's not a pretty sight when you've gone to bed at a little after two in the morning. Here's what just a little more than two hours of sleep looks like...
I told you this wasn’t going to be pretty. I look a little like my pal Sam “Yo Bitch” Wong here.
The only good thing about this time of morning is that it’s dark outside. One of the many bad things about this time of morning is that it’s this time of morning. Ugh.
Okay, we're here at Spudnuts. As you can see, it’s a no frills joint. In fact it kind of looks like a second-hand office store.
Of course you need “Help,” Spudnuts...you’re open from four in the morning to ten-thirty in the morning! Those business hours are what people that don’t live in Bizarro World refer to as “crazy-ass hours.”
Here we are, wow, no wonder they sell out of Spudnuts early, there’s just one case of them in here.
This is Linda (I think, I forgot to write her name down, give me a break, I’m operating on two hours of sleep here) and she’s actually smiling at this time of the morning. I’m guessing she just shot up some of the frosting.
Anytime is Spudnut time! Oh, really? Well, I beg to differ, Spudnuts. In best Pulp Fiction fashion, please allow me to retort. You open at four in the fucking morning. You close six and a half hours later at ten-thirty in the fucking morning. So at 10:35 in the fucking morning you can’t get a fucking Spudnut...and it’s just 10:35 in the motherfucking morning! So do not tell me that anytime is Spudnut time, because that’s just a motherfucking lie and I’m not going to stand here with about two hours of sleep under my belt and have this kind of bullshit slung at me like so much summer wheat! “Anytime is Spudnut time?” FUCK YOU!
Wow, that’s too bad about your cash flow, Spudnuts. Hey, you know what might help that old cash flow problem? IF YOU DIDN'T OPERATE ON CRAZY-ASS, INSANE PSYCHO PERSON HOURS! Sheesh! I have to settle down or blood vessels in my brain are going to start bursting. Must...go...to...the...donuts...
There's not really a place in here to eat, so I got three Spudnut donuts to go. Linda's still smiling, I need to find out what she's on and get a couple cases of it!
The sun's about to come up. I hate this time of day. It always takes me back to when I was doing tons of cocaine in the early '80's. You'd be up all night partying and then the sun would come up and the sad realization would hit you that you were almost out of blow, you owed some lowlife shitheel dealer hundreds of dollars for fronting you grams of coke all night and there was just one beer left in the fridge. And that's when depression would start sinking in. Boy that's just a horrible feeling, let's get home and try to forget old memories!
And here we are at MBIP Headquarters, let's get inside and out of this nasty early-morning sunshine.
Ah, home sweet home with the blinds pulled firmly shut. It always feels like midnight in here and that's a good thing.
It's time to unveil the Spudnut donuts!
I thought I'd try the glazed Spudnut first and this thing is unbelievable! No wonder they sell out by eight in the morning. The Spudnuts are made with some kind of potato dough and it really gives them a dense texture and taste I've never experienced with a donut before. Delicious!
Isn't this a pretty little Spudnut? It looks like it's been dipped in a vat of dwarf-like Chicklets.
Wow, adjectives fail me here, these things are so fucking great! As much as I bitched about getting up at the crackhead of dawn, it was worth it!
Okay, I saved the best for last, Linda told me this Spudnut was filled with vanilla pudding! I can't wait to sink my fangs into this baby!
Bonus Wheels Of Time Photos!
MBIP Reader and commenter, Dennis Hagerdorn sent in two photos of an exhibit I missed at The Wheels O’ Time Museum that was the subject of yesterday’s post. I don’t know how I missed this, but I’m glad that Dennis had a keen eye and noticed this unique exhibit when he went through with his friend Jimmy. Check it out in the two photos below.
When I looked at the first photo, I wondered what Dennis was sending me, this just looks like some sort of prehistoric baby-changing table in a bathroom from 1843.
But a closer look reveals that it's a "Bung Hole Reamer." Ha ha ha! I guess this was before prune juice was invented and this was an early tool to help with constipation problems. Thanks for sending this in, Dennis!