Public toilets are kind of like cops, they’re never around when you need one. I got caught short the other day and had trouble finding a public toilet, so I thought I’d provide a public service by periodically posting different places around Peoria where you can do your duty when nature calls at a moment’s notice when you’re not prepared. Okay, let’s go, because when you gotta go...you gotta go!
So here's what happened the other week. I'm at a meeting at work—and as I always say, I don't blog about where I work, but meetings take place at their office and I don't work out of the office, I just go to meetings there once or sometimes twice a week and then go to my job at another location. On this fateful day I was suffering from an excruciating bout of diarrhea. Too much information, I know, but it's crucial to this post and story, so you must know. Anyway, I really tried to make sure there was nothing left in me before the meeting because there's only one bathroom in the office and it's mainly used by the women who work there and I didn't want to stink it up for them.
But midway through the meeting I started getting cramps and knew I was getting a call from my old friend diarrhea. And I have to confess, I don't mind getting diarrhea, especially if I'm just sitting at home and have nowhere to go. In fact, I'll admit this, I like getting diarrhea if I'm home and I don't have anywhere I have to be.
The cramping before it happens is a little painful, but when it does happen, I like the sudden, whoosh of the shit flying through you and then it's all over so suddenly. It's kind of like a sneeze of the asshole and who doesn't like the feeling of a sneeze? Admit it, you do too. Anyway, on this day, I'm at this meeting at work and the cramps start and I'm praying the meeting ends soon, so I can get to a public toilet and let the shit fly. Finally after breaking several sweats, it's adjourned and I ran to my car and I headed for the closest public toilet I knew of, the Peoria downtown public library.
Green means go and brothers and sisters, I really had to go at this point!
As I round the corner, the cramps are kicking in big time and I know I need to park and get to the toilet before the shit literally hits the fan.
I quickly park and don't even bother locking my car because the diarrhea cramps and sweats are hitting me at a furious and painful full time pace by now. I just pray I can make it to the bathroom here. The race is on between reaching the toilet and public humiliation of shitting my pants in or near the Peoria Public Library. But again, I must admit, I like this tension, it's kind of exciting.
The doors are open, which is good. By now I'm doing the penguin diarrhea walk of shame trying to keep my butt cheeks clenched as I make the final stretch towards the bathroom in here.
The bathrooms are off to the right as you walk in the front door of the library which is very handy. At this point I'm sweating, cramping and walking very awkwardly. The closer I get to the bathroom, the more it feels like I won't make it. I think we all know this sickening and anxious feeling.
Must...get...through...the...door...
Even with diarrhea raging like an angry hurricane through my bowels, I stop to appreciate the earth tones in here and notice how clean it is. That's just the kind of fellow I am.
Okay, enough of the appreciation, let's check in to the last stall on the left and check out a figurative book here in the library.
And there's my old friend, Mr. Toilet. Let's sit down and put him to work.
The sweet relief of diarrhea is now flowing through me and it's a peaceful easy feeling. This is the pleasure part of diarrhea and what's nice in here is no one else is in the bathroom hearing the weird sounds that accompany the departure of the diarrhea. Again, I know this is too much information, but we all know what this sounds like and when there's no one else around to hear it, it's kind of fun to listen to. Kind of like a symphony of weirdness coming out of your ass.
Another thing I like about diarrhea is that as quickly as it hits you, it's over just as fast. I'm all done and they have a half a roll of toilet paper which will suit me fine. After I'm done here, we'll take a little look around the bathroom itself.
This is one big-ass toilet stall. Lots of room to stretch out in here.
If you notice, there's no handle to flush the toilet here...
That's because it's an electronic toilet that uses this Cardboard Man Mutation Sensor thingy to flush the toilet. I don't like this at all and it really creeps me out. I'd say it scares the shit out of me, but the diarrhea took care of that already.
One thing I like about this bathroom is that there's a single urinal in here. Now you may be thinking, "Wouldn't it be better to have a row of urinals so there's no waiting?" Well the answer to that is, "No." I don't like pissing next to some lunkhead who may start talking to you. There's nothing worse than being in the midst of a self-gratifying whiz, when some jerkoff starts talking about the weather or his stupid fucking job. I'd rather concentrate on trying to shrink the urinal cake with my piss—admit it, you do that too. Don't you?
And of course we must end this toilet time visit with an obligatory bathroom shot.
The funny thing about this post is before I was going to go take pictures of this diarrhea reenactment, I was on Twitter and Tweeted to MBIP pal and sometime guest star, Matt Buedel that I was going to check out the photo show the library currently has on display featuring Matt and his friend, Scott Cavanah. You can read about the exhibit here. I don't know how our mutual Twitter friend, Dana Arnold got involved, but the three of us agreed to meet and get a guided tour of the exhibit by Matt himself. Now this is truly social media at work.
Here's the introductory piece to the exhibit which is in the basement of the library. Basically it's photos that Matt and Scott took for a whole year, using words suggested by each other for that week's photo. Here's the website where you can check it out.
There he is, Matt Buedel, standing aimlessly in the middle of his photo exhibit.
And this midday celebration is complete as Dana joins the party here in the basement of the Peoria Public Library.
Dana shot this double-fingered salute from Matt and I and now we can let the tour begin!
This is one of Matt's favorite photos in the show. The horse looks one way and Matt looks the other way. Real life imitating itself in a photo. Bada boom, bada bing.
Here's Matt posing by his other favorite photo in the exhibit.
I love this photo of Matt's cat but the title is a little perplexing: "Canine." I would've called it, "Crazy From The Catnip," but that's just me.
"Every Other" is on display in the basement of the Peoria Public Library for the rest of the month of July. The artist's reception is on Saturday, July 20th at 10AM. I'll be there and I hope to see you there too. I'm also hoping to have a raging bout of diarrhea to take advantage of the fine public toilet facilities here at the downtown branch of the Peoria Public Library. See you all tomorrow.
Bathroom Rating
Three and a half Ty-D-Bowl Men. The Peoria Public Library has a great public bathroom. It would’ve gotten 4 Ty-D-Bowl Man if it didn’t have that scary Cardboard Box Man Mutation electric flushing thing-a-me-bob. Eeeks!
The Peoria Public Library
107 NE Monroe (at the corner of Main Street)
Peoria
309-497-2000
Further reading: MBIP, PJ Star (toilets) and PJ Star (“Every Other” Exhibit).
