Saturday Night Cheeseburger: At My Apartment!


Before I begin today, I want to address the problems some people have had while commenting. The main complaint has been that when you hit the comment button, you aren’t led directly to the comments, you’re directed back to the top of the page and then you have to scroll down to comment. I know this is confusing and kind of a drag, but I contacted SquareSpace support and there’s nothing they can do about it right now, but they said they’d pass it along to the designers. So in the meantime I appreciate taking the extra effort to leave a comment, which really adds to the fun of a blog. One other thing is some people think you have to register with SquareSpace or leave your email, but you don’t have to do either. After you write your comment in the box and hit, “post comment,” another box comes up and it’s set to “Guest” as a default, if you leave it that way you can type in your name or whatever handle you want to use and hit “Post Comment,” and it’ll show up. Okay, thanks again and now on to today’s blog post, already in progress!

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Live, from Peoria, Illinois, it’s Saturday Night Cheeseburger with tonight’s co-hosts, Schnuck’s and Marty’s kitchen and featuring the Not Ready For Prime Beef Player, Marty Wombacher! Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, Schnucks Grocery Store!

Okay, here’s the story, I’m really feeling like two tons of shit-on-a-shingle tonight. I’ve been hit by a nasty cold bug, my sinuses are raging and I’m sneezing about every three minutes. And snot is kind of flying in every direction. Buy stock in Kleenex, because this cold doesn’t seem to be going anywhere soon. Anyway, I know this is being posted on Monday, but since I have contributors on the weekends posting now (check out their fine posts, here and here in case you missed them) Saturday Night Cheeseburger will be posted on Mondays from here on in. Anyway, I’ve decided that for the first Saturday Night Cheeseburger, I’d go to the store and pick up some stuff and cook it at home because I’m in no mood to go out and about, so it’s off to the store we go!

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One of the many things I’m having to adjust to, living back here is the size of the grocery stores in Peoria. You’d think everything in Peoria would be smaller than New York, but that’s not the case, rubber face. Most grocery stores in New York aren’t that big due to the high rents. The first time I walked in to Shnucks grocery store on University, I couldn’t believe it! The place is huge! It’s bigger than Donald Trump’s ego! Let’s go inside and I’ll show you.

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The entrance kind of looks like the entrance to my grocery store I went to in New York, the similarity stops there, let’s go in.

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It’s hard to capture with the camera, but this huge area is really just a small chunk of this giganzo food mart.

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The employees here are super-friendly, I asked them to pose for the MBIP camera and they did not hesitate! You gotta love that!

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This produce section stretches out about a mile and has stuff in it I’ve never seen before. Quite frankly, I’m somewhat intimidated by it and feel the need to move on.

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Uh oh, customer restrooms...we all know what that means...

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Obligatory bathroom mirror shot!

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In addition to about every kind of food a starving man on a desert island could ever dream about they sell a ton of beer, check out the size of this beer cooler room.

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And there’s row after row of different kinds of booze to be had. You could stock an entire bar with the hooch in here!

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I’m reminded of this SNL skit while gazing at the “Cold Wine” sign.

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It’s a big store, but it’s after ten on a Saturday night and it’s kind of a lonely, depressing feeling in here.

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Words cannot describe how much I hate Guy Fieri. He’s just so fucking annoying. He opened a restaurant recently in Disneyland...err...I mean Times Square and he got one of the worst reviews ever in the NY Times, I loved it!

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Okay, I’ve sneezed about fifteen times and I have no Kleenexes left and my left sleeve is covered in snot, and it's kind of creepy being the only one in here. Let’s get the stuff and hit the checkout lane.

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Another smiling employee on a Saturday night, I’m starting to think they put mescaline in the employee drinking fountain.

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Okay, we’re here at home-base and here’s the ingredients I selected: One can of Sleazy Cheese, ground sirloin burgers, a box of Chicken in a Biskit and my Gumby shot glass that Goggla gave to me a while back.

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And now the food preperation begins. The two sirloin patties are positioned on my plate (that’s right, I only have one plate, it makes doing the dishes a lot easier.)

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Now you take the Gumby shot glass and drive it into one of the burgers. Look at what a meat head that Gumby is!

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Next you repeat this process.

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And then you have two tiny little burgers, once you shake them out of Gumby’s noggin.’

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Off of the plate and into the frying pan they go.

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Now it’s time for a little liquid appetzers! Cheers!

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Okay, now it’s time to build the base for these burgers. For this we’re going to take out four Chicken in a Biskit crackers and apply a layer of Sleazy Cheese to two of them.

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With the Sleazy Cheese acting as a tasty glue, we then apply the other two on top to make a base for the burgers.

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And speaking of the burgers, they are done, son! Time to plate this concoction up!

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I added a dollop of mustard on top and then a generous spray of the Sleazy Cheese and here they are. They look pretty fucking good, if I do say so myself and I just did.

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Delicious! Hey Food Network, are you seeing this shit? How’s about giving ME a show and let Guy Fieri return to his former job at Jackass In The Box where he belongs? Okay, see you all tomorrow and thanks for tuning in.

Cheeseburger Rating:


4 Wimpy’s, those are tasty little burgers I created...oh, and once again, Guy Fieri, kiss my ass!

Further Reading: Schnucks, Wikipedia and Sleazy Cheese.

Daily Slideshow—Photos via the internet, Photoshoppery by me!